July 2023: 29 Feeling Fine
Vomit on my clothes, “escorted” out of Opium nightclub..
The last time I was in Barcelona, 10 years ago, 2013, I was kicked out of a club from puking my guts out on the middle of the dance floor from alcohol poisoning..
I somehow managed to wake up hung over, miserable, and forced myself to go for a run to “make up” for it.
This was not a singled out event- it was a shameful pattern.
Numbing my emotions, pain, & high sensitivity with binge drinking, binge eating, & weed.
These were dark times filled with a surreal mixture privilege, confusion, blessings, and guilt.
At that point, I was diving deeper into my social justice & artistic passions, while unhealthily attached in a co-dependent relationship where I had lost myself.
I found my sense of safety in over-controlling, pressuring, and forcing myself into “being better” then would use substances to allow myself to completely lose control for my wild feminine to finally feel free
Being here now, I’d truly forgotten that was how I used to live and what I knew as normal..
Over this last weekend, I had a glass of merlot with my dinner at a cute Barcelona bar down the street from my hotel to celebrate myself, my business, my relationships, this dreamy life, and how far I’ve come in the devotion to this inner work and outer mission to support others in their healing, transformation, & expansion.
I took myself for a night out and had an absolute blast dancing by myself among strangers, feeling so connected to my body and comfortable in my own skin, so tapped in to my raw feminine power, open to all the expansive possibilities that feel available to me in this next chapter of letting go of yet another outdated version of myself as I welcome in the level up.
Ancestral & trauma healing, nervous system expansion, and deep money rewiring got me here.
Along with powerful mentorship, an incredible support system, and tens of thousands of dollars into my personal and professional growth.
I did not do this alone, and god knows I sure as hell tried to as I held on to the paradigm of strong hyper-independent woman who will over-give, under-receive, and struggle until it killed me or kept me numb, dissociated, stagnate, or settling..
and honestly.. it very well may have if I hadn’t gotten tired of my own stories, excuses, & self-destructive patterns.
I got A LOT of help. I leaned into being more incredibly intimately held, loved, and supported than I knew I could ever experience,
Almost every time feeling like I was dying inside from the discomfort and fear of stepping into scarier unknowns.
I would liberate myself time & time again until owning my full power, strength, and resilience in love & leadership became my new default.
I truly see it as God or Spirit’s will that I made it here to see how rich a life I could manifest.
It’s a deep felt sense of inner security, inner stability, inner power, inner worthiness, sweet pleasure, openness to miracles, all through the outer chaos of a world mixed with mayhem and magic...
A few days later.. sitting at a cafe with a gorgeous view of the Eiffel Tower taking a moment to soak it all in..
When I turned 28 I was going through such intense heavy hardness and decided that that the upcoming year was going to be the most magical, freeing, love-filled year I’d ever known.. I’m now in absolute awe & deep gratitude of how true that became.
I began that year living in isolation in the Amazon for 3 weeks free from technology or internet after sitting in ceremony with grandmother & grandfather earlier that august.
I came out re-emerged with a lightness & openness in a deeper surrender to Spirit & deepest trust in the unknown
What followed was a year of potent magic & whirlwind of personal evolution beyond any year of my life thus far
Anchored into new, deep, nourishing rich relationships, community, & sisterhood
Spent my highest quality time with my family & deepening my ancestral roots
I allowed in my deepest, healthy, secure, partnership with a brilliant remarkable man
My business leveled up in its quality, mission, & impact while giving me higher pleasure & liberation
I revamped and led my most powerful, turned on space for soul led creatives & conscious leaders- my mastermind Thriving Queens (along with several shorter term programs)
I birthed my highest level 1:1 container for 12 months of deep devotional inner & outer growth, alongside 2 new group containers, and witnessed my clients entirely transform their lives
I traveled through the Amazon jungle, Peruvian Andes, Machu Picchu, Mexico, Costa Rica, Denmark, Sweden, Barcelona, Paris and soon to be London..
The life I playfully imagined is currently happening and it feels wildly surreal yet amazingly grounded.
Celebrating all that is here and all that is on its way. Cheers to another year of beauty, bliss, & actualization 🙏🏽
*Not captured: the lowlights- immense heartache, deep loss, relationship ruptures, falling apart, backpack & wallet stolen, missed flights, etc*